Sweet Thing

Getting a laugh from your mate with a really old joke he's never heard before!

J-Lo Oscar Nip Slip Story

Like you, I thought Jennifer Lopez, in her impossibly wide-cut gorgeous gown, was revealing a little something extra at the Oscars telecast.

Then I realized, J-Lo doesn't have wardrobe malfunctions. In fact, Jenny from the Block doesn't have accidents of any kind, as far as I can tell. But after intense investigation with the help of my DVR, I have come to the conclusion that it was all done with makeup.

Yes, on television it looked like Jennifer's left aureola was seeking some spotlight. But I now believe the familiar dark area was intentionally shaded to look like we were seeing something we weren't. A momentary thrill for all, and J-Lo's a genius!

You heard it here first.

Never trust a water aerobics instructor who has fake boobs

I've learned this the hard way. Women whose breasts do not move with the rest of their body, don't seem to realize the implications for the rest of us.

Twice now I have had instructors who think, because students are in the water and therefore buoyant, that jumping up and down as hard and high as they can is a good thing to do.

It's not. It's uncomfortable, and sometimes it hurts.

Please, if you have or intend to get a boob job, do not consider teaching water aerobics.

Haircut Etiquette

I recently received a big haircut. Got more than half the mane professionally removed and the rest coiffed. I love the new 'do, my husband loves it; that's all that matters.

Almost.

Though I have advised audiences in the past about the proper reaction to a haircut, it appears it is time for a refresher.

Lesson #1 - "You got your haircut" is not a compliment; it is an observer patting himself on the back for his observation.

Lesson #2 - Ditto for "Did you get your ears lowered?" Not a compliment and not even helpful. No credit.

Tip #1 - If you don't like it, don't point it out. Pretend you don't notice. Is that so hard?

Tip #2 - The thoughtful comment "That's much better" Female Curmudgeon will accept as a compliment, along with "I like your haircut," "You look great!" and other positives. Each such response receives full credit.

Married guys in particular - You should know this already. You're welcome!

Knowing Right From Obnoxious

As a semi-serious journalist and newsie, I am often embarrassed by how much I know about pop culture. But for this one I make no apology.

Demi Moore's not doing too well since her breakup with Ashton Kutcher. Who wouldn't empathize with the parties involved? Yes, they both Twitter and share way too much, but the end of a marriage is a sad, traumatic event to go through. I hope I never do.

So I can only imagine how much worse it must feel when a heartbroken person has what I hope is her lowest moment, and winds up in the hospital. What I CAN'T imagine is the compounded insult of having a 911 call broadcast for the rest of the world - whose business it is not in any way - to hear. Is nothing off limits when the public wants to know?

By the way, I felt pity for Alec Baldwin when his nasty voicemail message was leaked. At what point do you lose your right to privacy in the privatest of matters?

Get Those GD Cellphones Off My GD Plane!

And speaking of private matters: People are actually fighting for their right to talk on cell phones while on an airplane. And many of them are even old enough to remember how people occupied themselves before the internet. The story is that airlines ban cell phone use, arguing it can potentially interfere with the flight's navigation, but that no incidents have ever been reported. Therefore, the ban should be lifted.

I never thought the ban was about technology. I thought it was for the sake of common courtesy. Now there will have to be a "policy" to protect people like me from getting stuck on a flight with people who want to pretend they're not in a crowded coach but on a private plane that serves only them. Grow up! And get off my lawn!

You still want strength of character in a president?

I said it when it was Bill Clinton on the hotseat, I'll repeat it for Newt Gingrich. Someone's sex life is none of my business, and, more important, it's no indication of how someone will perform in a professional situation.

Adorable John King really disappointed me at the recent GOP debate. The first thing he wanted to ask candidate Gingrich was about recent revelations, also known as gossip, from his ex-wife about his infidelity and open marriage proposal. Really, John? This is how you choose to inform the public? Gingrich's response, which wasn't bad, by the way, couldn't possibly help voters decide if he should be president.

Poor Adele

First, I want to point out that I loved Adele the singer back when Amy Winehouse was still alive. I read they were both from the same London neighborhood, which would account for my liking both their voices.

But poor Adele. She is getting overexposed without even singing. Out of commission for the last few months after vocal surgery, her hit "Rolling in the Deep" continues to play within earshot almost every day. It's making me sick of her already! What a shame. Get better soon, Adele. We need to hear some new from you asap.