In all likelihood...

It's not irony; you probably mean coincidence. All the people using it incorrectly are the reason I can barely remember how to use it correctly. So, as a general rule, don't use the word "irony" unless Christopher Hitchens told you to.

Thanks a bunch.

Does God only speak to the Nutjobs?

How come when someone claims God told them to do something, it's never anything good? It's always something bad like kill someone or burn something. Doesn't God ever tell people to stop being so greedy, feed the poor or offer that lady your seat on the bus?

Genius I'm not using

Brilliant Ideas For The Taking

BOOB ROOF - They already make fuzzy dice and hanging balls for your car. But what do men really want to feel on top of their heads? We already know. Suction cup them to the ceiling or roof of a car to fall right...ahh...there. Am I right, guys?

GAY MARRIAGE TOUR - Attention travel agents: How about arranging trips for gay couples to get married in every state where it's legal? One big cross-country wedding with a honeymoon at every stop!

Words That Should Exist

pling - a musical sound, heavier than a harp, lighter than a guitar

nother - because we have to be able to say "That's a whole nother thing" and not be wrong

Are cats just better?

I just saw a commercial for Fancy Feast "Appetizers" for cats. The other day in the supermarket, while looking for frozen buffalo tenders, I noticed a chicken snack for people called "Any'tizers." That's a little undignified for a human being, don'tcha think?

Putting aside the fact that cats need an hors oeuvre even less than people do, I think we humans are entitled to at least as much respect at mealtime as our feline friends—

Oh, wait. My cat informs me I am wrong. Never mind.

Thank goodness I have terrible eyesight

Looking in the mirror this morning I made a disturbing discovery. Once again I have the body I had in high school...before the surgery.

Is this thing on?

On the (rare) occasion that I forget that I hate most of humanity, I need only attend a multi-hour workshop with more than half a dozen strangers. Most fall into types I have categorized for you here:

The cougher - someone who was obviously too sick to attend and probably contagious but didn't want to miss the class!

Mouth breather - usually a man, usually over 30, with the beginnings of sinus problems whose breathing or throat-clearing are annoyingly audible and continuous.

Smelly perfume wearer - usually a woman but can be a man who wears so much perfume or aftershave (and never one you like), it not only drowns out YOUR cologne, you wind up smelling like the odorous offender until bedtime.

Derailer - a person who thinks he or she is the only person in the room, who keeps interrupting the speaker with non sequiturs which often contain intimate details that leave everyone with too much information about their classmate.

ADHD'er - often confused with derailers for their interrupting abilities, but more likely to ask nonstop questions that throw the class off schedule and leave everyone else plotting murder.

Hmm...which one am I?