Is George Clooney Dying?

I can come to no other logical conclusion to explain his recent engagement. He will be missed.

Peninsular Life

Only in the Bay area, where you pay thousands of dollars a month to live anywhere, can you describe your residence this way: You know the bushes on the corner where that lady in the wheelchair sleeps when she's not yelling? Yeah, I live across the street, INSIDE the building.

And no view.

Better Breeding

It's 2014, people. And scientists. They have bred the "string" out of string beans. That's remarkable.

Now, why can't they breed out of dogs the toxicity of chocolate, grapes and garlic so I don't have to worry about accidentally poisoning my pup?

Tips for Tourists

1. Never EVER shop for bathing suits after eating at the buffet.

2. If you ignore tip #1 and DO go shopping and DO manage to find a swimsuit that goes all the way over your immense torso without exploding, BUY IT!

That is all.

DMV office closes after driver crashes into building

As a journalist, of course I love this kind of story...

http://www.mercurynews.com/bay-area-news/ci_25345865/san-jose-car-crashes-into-dmv-office-brief

But you would think by now that designers of buildings where drivers tests are given would plan for more reinforced construction, and maybe install giant rubber bumpers on the corners, right?

(By the way, it was her third attempt at getting a license.)

Least Favorite Stores to Shop In

Apropos of nothing, the businesses below are where I least enjoy shopping and why...

Home Depot - Not just because I don't know what I'm doing there but because it is so darn difficult to get someone to help you figure it out.

AT&T - You can wait forever and there are no chairs. When you do get answers from a service person, you don't understand what the heck they told you.

IKEA - Hard to believe I have to explain this. IKEA is just a dreadful place to be in the middle of. Even though the merchandise is reasonably priced (cheap, usually) and you can pay someone to put it together for you, the display rooms are aspirational only. Even the done-up 225-square-foot apartment model is too perfect. You will never achieve this or any other IKEA look in your own home.

Warm for Winter

Dear Broadcasters and Meteorologists:

seasonably - Appropriate for the time of year
unseasonably - Unusual for the time of year as in, "unseasonably warm"

seasonally - Pertaining to certain seasons of the year as in, "seasonal employment"
unseasonally - NO SUCH WORD

Thank you!