When you're only one person...just say so.

In these tough economic times, a lot of people are going the entrepreneurial route and striking out on their own. Fine. Very courageous and a respectable thing to do.

What irritates me is people who hide their solo status with the use of the royal "We." What's wrong with being a one-person operation? The double whammy to my intelligence is referring to yourself or your company in the plural while using generic photos of good-looking strangers. Look, I want to support you in your new venture, but be straight with me about who, and how many, you are. Tell me YOUR name and post YOUR picture. Then I know you are sincere and probably legit. The fake photos are a dead giveaway, as are the absence of contact names on the Web site or the owner's initials taking the place of a genuine company identity.

All I'm saying is, stop trying to be something you are not. Don't make up recommendations and accomplishments and don't pretend to be more than you are. Be honest! Then the success that follows will be all yours.

Disheartening Post-Thanksgiving Realization

Over the years, I've received some nice hand-me-down clothes from friends. In not one instance has the friend weighed more than I do.

More proof that I am old

I was nonplussed when I heard how excited people were that the Beatles' catalog would finally be available on iTunes. Doesn't everyone already have their albums? Just play them on your turntables!

Oy.

Tips for the tardy to aerobics class

When the class is already full, DO NOT insist on making a place for yourself at the very back of the room, blocking everyone from the exit, the mats and the weights. DO go to the front of the room where there is almost always space for one more. If you don't like to see your awkward close-up reflection in the mirror, come earlier next time.

You're already late; don't be thoughtless, too.

How my least favorite sentence in the world starts

"You know what you should do..."

Women say the smartest things! (Vol. 1)

"The more we sweat in peace, the less we bleed in war."

Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit (1900-1990)-first woman to be elected president of the U.N. General Assembly.

Encouraging thought for the day

So many of our activities and accomplishments are denigrated as , "not rocket science" or "not brain surgery," that I am starting to wonder...What do rocket scientists and brain surgeons say?

Obviously, those professions are not placed on as high a pedestal by the people who are in them as they are by the rest of us. But come on. These otherwise brilliant people must be stumped by something you or I find relatively easy. Perhaps writing an interesting sentence in a coherent way is one of them. How about balancing a checkbook? Or following the storyline on "Lost"?

We each have our talents in the form of things which come easily to us. Don't undervalue yours just because it's not something a stupid scientist or a stuck-up surgeon can do.

Curmudgeon-worthy: Pre-election Edition

California's voting system is a mess. But I used to have my own system for deciphering the propositions and what they really mean. I could just look at the bottom of the ad to see who sponsored it. If it was some corporation, I was likely against it. It worked pretty well last election.

But this year they've gotten slicker. Everyone is hiding behind made-up organizations created solely to prevent voters from discovering where the money is coming from and who is behind their ideas. I fear they will always be one step ahead of me and ultimately triumph in making me abandon the process altogether.

To cheer us all up, look at this ultra-cool, extremely long Guggenheim exhibit on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WxLyoknPH8

Don't forget to vote, while it still makes sense!

In all likelihood...

It's not irony; you probably mean coincidence. All the people using it incorrectly are the reason I can barely remember how to use it correctly. So, as a general rule, don't use the word "irony" unless Christopher Hitchens told you to.

Thanks a bunch.

Does God only speak to the Nutjobs?

How come when someone claims God told them to do something, it's never anything good? It's always something bad like kill someone or burn something. Doesn't God ever tell people to stop being so greedy, feed the poor or offer that lady your seat on the bus?

Genius I'm not using

Brilliant Ideas For The Taking

BOOB ROOF - They already make fuzzy dice and hanging balls for your car. But what do men really want to feel on top of their heads? We already know. Suction cup them to the ceiling or roof of a car to fall right...ahh...there. Am I right, guys?

GAY MARRIAGE TOUR - Attention travel agents: How about arranging trips for gay couples to get married in every state where it's legal? One big cross-country wedding with a honeymoon at every stop!

Words That Should Exist

pling - a musical sound, heavier than a harp, lighter than a guitar

nother - because we have to be able to say "That's a whole nother thing" and not be wrong

Are cats just better?

I just saw a commercial for Fancy Feast "Appetizers" for cats. The other day in the supermarket, while looking for frozen buffalo tenders, I noticed a chicken snack for people called "Any'tizers." That's a little undignified for a human being, don'tcha think?

Putting aside the fact that cats need an hors oeuvre even less than people do, I think we humans are entitled to at least as much respect at mealtime as our feline friends—

Oh, wait. My cat informs me I am wrong. Never mind.

Thank goodness I have terrible eyesight

Looking in the mirror this morning I made a disturbing discovery. Once again I have the body I had in high school...before the surgery.

Is this thing on?

On the (rare) occasion that I forget that I hate most of humanity, I need only attend a multi-hour workshop with more than half a dozen strangers. Most fall into types I have categorized for you here:

The cougher - someone who was obviously too sick to attend and probably contagious but didn't want to miss the class!

Mouth breather - usually a man, usually over 30, with the beginnings of sinus problems whose breathing or throat-clearing are annoyingly audible and continuous.

Smelly perfume wearer - usually a woman but can be a man who wears so much perfume or aftershave (and never one you like), it not only drowns out YOUR cologne, you wind up smelling like the odorous offender until bedtime.

Derailer - a person who thinks he or she is the only person in the room, who keeps interrupting the speaker with non sequiturs which often contain intimate details that leave everyone with too much information about their classmate.

ADHD'er - often confused with derailers for their interrupting abilities, but more likely to ask nonstop questions that throw the class off schedule and leave everyone else plotting murder.

Hmm...which one am I?