Never trust a water aerobics instructor who has fake boobs

I've learned this the hard way. Women whose breasts do not move with the rest of their body, don't seem to realize the implications for the rest of us.

Twice now I have had instructors who think, because students are in the water and therefore buoyant, that jumping up and down as hard and high as they can is a good thing to do.

It's not. It's uncomfortable, and sometimes it hurts.

Please, if you have or intend to get a boob job, do not consider teaching water aerobics.

Haircut Etiquette

I recently received a big haircut. Got more than half the mane professionally removed and the rest coiffed. I love the new 'do, my husband loves it; that's all that matters.

Almost.

Though I have advised audiences in the past about the proper reaction to a haircut, it appears it is time for a refresher.

Lesson #1 - "You got your haircut" is not a compliment; it is an observer patting himself on the back for his observation.

Lesson #2 - Ditto for "Did you get your ears lowered?" Not a compliment and not even helpful. No credit.

Tip #1 - If you don't like it, don't point it out. Pretend you don't notice. Is that so hard?

Tip #2 - The thoughtful comment "That's much better" Female Curmudgeon will accept as a compliment, along with "I like your haircut," "You look great!" and other positives. Each such response receives full credit.

Married guys in particular - You should know this already. You're welcome!

Knowing Right From Obnoxious

As a semi-serious journalist and newsie, I am often embarrassed by how much I know about pop culture. But for this one I make no apology.

Demi Moore's not doing too well since her breakup with Ashton Kutcher. Who wouldn't empathize with the parties involved? Yes, they both Twitter and share way too much, but the end of a marriage is a sad, traumatic event to go through. I hope I never do.

So I can only imagine how much worse it must feel when a heartbroken person has what I hope is her lowest moment, and winds up in the hospital. What I CAN'T imagine is the compounded insult of having a 911 call broadcast for the rest of the world - whose business it is not in any way - to hear. Is nothing off limits when the public wants to know?

By the way, I felt pity for Alec Baldwin when his nasty voicemail message was leaked. At what point do you lose your right to privacy in the privatest of matters?

Get Those GD Cellphones Off My GD Plane!

And speaking of private matters: People are actually fighting for their right to talk on cell phones while on an airplane. And many of them are even old enough to remember how people occupied themselves before the internet. The story is that airlines ban cell phone use, arguing it can potentially interfere with the flight's navigation, but that no incidents have ever been reported. Therefore, the ban should be lifted.

I never thought the ban was about technology. I thought it was for the sake of common courtesy. Now there will have to be a "policy" to protect people like me from getting stuck on a flight with people who want to pretend they're not in a crowded coach but on a private plane that serves only them. Grow up! And get off my lawn!

You still want strength of character in a president?

I said it when it was Bill Clinton on the hotseat, I'll repeat it for Newt Gingrich. Someone's sex life is none of my business, and, more important, it's no indication of how someone will perform in a professional situation.

Adorable John King really disappointed me at the recent GOP debate. The first thing he wanted to ask candidate Gingrich was about recent revelations, also known as gossip, from his ex-wife about his infidelity and open marriage proposal. Really, John? This is how you choose to inform the public? Gingrich's response, which wasn't bad, by the way, couldn't possibly help voters decide if he should be president.

Poor Adele

First, I want to point out that I loved Adele the singer back when Amy Winehouse was still alive. I read they were both from the same London neighborhood, which would account for my liking both their voices.

But poor Adele. She is getting overexposed without even singing. Out of commission for the last few months after vocal surgery, her hit "Rolling in the Deep" continues to play within earshot almost every day. It's making me sick of her already! What a shame. Get better soon, Adele. We need to hear some new from you asap.

Attn: Consumer Affairs

Dear Trader Joe's,

Well, you got me again. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I sampled and subsequently became hooked on your dark chocolate peanut butter cups. I hope the Reese's people aren't offended when I declare to you that your product is superior in yumminess. I was rationing myself effectively by buying the small packages containing nine cups (aka three single servings) each. But after the holidays, they were nowhere to be found. Oh, you still carry the plastic box (with a newly raised price) containing three times as much, but with the cups wrapped only in foil, I could no longer ration my daily intake because there was no airtight bag to slow me down! Since I am unwilling to pay more than $4.00 for a bag of candy, I am forced to get over my addiction without even the opportunity to taper off.

You have pulled this before, Trader Joe's. You once carried a terrific breakfast bar with dark chocolate chips, and one day the entire product was gone. I was told that the bars, which I had been eating for over a year without incident, had been voluntarily recalled for potentially dangerous bacteria or some such. C'mon, T.J.'s! Shouldn't I have been given the opportunity to decide whether to take my chances before it became unavailable? I waited for almost a year for its return, and in the process was forced to consume junky alternatives containing high fructose corn syrup! The bars are back, thank goodness, but I'm not sure they were worth the long wait.

Same goes for Trader Joe's brand of Spinach Pie. The T.J. version of spanakopita was a great vegetarian entree for work because it could be eaten hot or at room temperature. But when I needed dinners for my night job, no more pie. For the holidays or forever? I still can't get a straight answer.

Years ago I made a delicious discovery. For about a minute one October, Trader Joe's put out its famously addictive tiny chocolate chip cookies in single servings. It was the greatest thing to happen to my lack of self-control since ziploc freezer bags. And then they were gone. I learned after the fact that the snack size boxes were for Halloween only. Again I must ask: why, T.J., why?

If you persist in getting me hooked on products you intend to take away, at least include a warning on the package. "Be advised, this product in its current form is available for a limited time only, so don't get too attached."

* * * *

Dear Starbucks,

I don't drink coffee so, granted, I am not your #1 customer. But most people I know enjoy your joe so I often find myself in your establishments and in need of a beverage. My drink of choice is iced tea but since you refuse (see previous correspondence) to provide lemon, last week I opted for hot tea. It was served really hot. Too hot to drink, in fact.

For to-go orders, I can see the logic of providing scalding hot beverages that will cool off en route to their destination. But I am drinking it at Starbucks! How long do you think I want to wait once I've walked it to my table before bringing cup to mouth? I am baffled as to why anyone would want to be served scalding hot beverage for immediate consumption. Not so refreshing.

So here's my idea: Why not serve items at temperatures that complement my palate rather than burn the roof of my mouth? Just a thought.

Goodbye and Good Riddance, 2011!

Happy New Year to us all! And by happy I mean compared to the year we are seeing off. In other words, I truly hope and expect that 2012 is more enjoyable and a lot more prosperous than 2011.

Seriously.